Part 1 of this article discussed the unfortunate reality that over one-half of those surveyed aren’t living a balanced life and that corporate leaders are in denial or believe that policies that address work-life balance issues would impede competitiveness. Since answers are not going to come from above, it’s up to those in the unbalanced majority to help resolve work-life balance issues – for themselves and with those whom they lead.

Here’s an email I received recently from a woman named Jean (a pseudonym) that describes the work-life balance dilemma perfectly:

“I have spent 15 years in the same company trying to “get to the top”. As a result, I have a daughter who is completely alienated from me and a husband who lives a complete life without me. My daughter suddenly has three years left in school and it has taken me 15 years to realize that she is much more important than work. I am dumbfounded how to change the situation though. My company is very rigid about time keeping and there is not such thing as a “half-day” position in the IT field. I vacillate between wanting to change jobs to accommodate a half-day position (but I know financially this is impossible) and staying where I am because I worked so hard to here (where exactly here is, I actually have no idea).”

It’s a crying shame to work hard for many years – to have missed out on what matters most and left without a clue on what to do next. In theory, it would appear that successful professionals like Jean have all the work-life balance tools they need – organizational and financial - to take control over their lives. From an organizational perspective, they are in positions where they shape plans, define work commitments and schedules, and delegate to others. In addition, they should have the financial security necessary to define their boundaries – to say “yes” or “no” and, if necessary, find alternative employment if their needs do not continue to synch with those of the enterprise.

In reality, the near-frenetic demands of business and personal life bring many of these professionals to their knees. They find themselves exhausted by the end of the day and unable to gain the perspective necessary to plan, manage or delegate. On the urgent/important time management dimensions, they are caught servicing the urgent and unable to ascertain the important.

For Jean, and those of you in similar situations, the first step to achieving work-life balance is to say “no” and find some time to think things through. Saying “no” doesn’t require using the word “no”, it means setting priorities, attending to them and delegating or deferring the rest while blocking “think time” on the calendar.

Jean should start her thinking process by examining her values and developing clarity on how she defines success. Rabbi Kushner, in his book entitled “Living a Life That Matters”, writes that “our souls are split, part of us reaching for goodness, part of us chasing fame and fortune.” As we strive for fame and fortune – the need to feel significant and important – “businessman neglect their families” and although “we don’t like what we find ourselves doing …we tell ourselves we have no choice”. As we get older or experience loss or trauma, many of us realize that the tradeoff between significance and goodness is too great and our values shift accordingly. This is the fundamental tension for many experiencing work-life balance issues – many may want to create a more significant life, but only those who value “goodness” over “significance” will be able to exert the discipline necessary to change their lives.

Jean is clearly struggling with defining success and the implications to her career. Many “work-life moaners” (using Jack Welch’s vernacular), wish for balance with little or no negative impact to careers – an almost impossible dream when success definitions are based on objective factors like corporate brand, title, and money. For example, turning down relocation opportunities usually limits vertical career growth (within the same company, at least), job sharing, as profiled in the HBR article, “Two Executives, One Career” (February 2005), may result in retaining one’s position and title, but at a lower pay, and starting your own company or working for yourself may be financially beneficial, but usually results in loss of organizational status.

If, from a values perspective, Jean is ready to define success based on subjective factors such as family, independence, variety, giving to others, etc., she needs to get her finances in order. This means that Jean and her husband need to figure out how to live on less and save money to fund a possible transition. Work-life balance requires changes that require negotiation with current or future employers and negotiations are much more productive if both sides understand that either has the power to walk away.

With her financial plan in place, it’s time for Jean to figure out what she wants to do more of and what is standing in her way. She should write a list of (work) activities that give her energy (where the time melts away) and those that take energy (that she procrastinates) and rate how well her current job feeds her soul. Next, she should write a list of what she wants to do more of, less of and not change.

If Jean loves her job, but it’s too much of a good thing (in terms of work hour requirements), she should define her boundaries (having breakfast with the kids, amount of travel, frequency of fitness, getting home for dinner, etc.) and figure how much time she needs to “buy back” with improved time management, delegation and managing up. She should not ask for permission or tell people “no”, she should just clearly articulate what she can do and when – the work-life balance motto being, “don’t complain, don’t explain”. If her current position requires more than she can give, she should leverage her equity with her employer (she has more than she thinks if she has performed well over a number of years) to move into a lateral (or reduced job) position or to negotiate job sharing, contracting or part time work.

If Jean doesn’t love her job, she needs to move on – either within the company, if she has a good reputation and relationship, to another company, or on her own. To make a career shift is extremely difficult due to the personal introspection, planning and execution required. At this point, it’s a good idea for Jean to retain a career coach to help her understand her personality and motivators, assess her talents, skills and knowledge, develop career goals and business plans, and market herself.

As we look into the future, the work-life balance dilemma is going to change as organizations strive to replace the linear career path (“a path to the top”) with non-linear career paths that make sense in delayered, downsized, and outsourced organizations (“a path with a heart”) (Peter Heslin SMU – Conceptualizing and Evaluating Career Success). In the meantime, however, the responsibility for work-life balance resides with the individual and it is possible for those who are lucky enough to understand that “the path to a truly successful and significant life is through friendship, family and through acts of generosity and self-sacrifice” (Harold Kushner, same reference as above) and to have the courage to manage their careers and discipline necessary to live below their means.